Cabin Fever

I have a beautiful house.  I’m spoilt.  I know.  And I am appreciative.  Promise.

It’s not perfect.  The only thing it really lacks is a view – and someone special – but that’s a story for another day.  Otherwise, the house itself is ideal.  Really, it is.

I am privileged to live in one of the most stunning places on the planet.  I am surrounded by beauty – if you drive up the road.  But, unfortunately none of it is visible from anywhere on my property.  That is something I truly miss – and often wish for.  I have a deep-seated desire to lose myself in a panoramic scene of the mountains or the bush – even overlooking the city – anything – to escape the harsh reality of my daily life.

Sometimes I wish that I could wave a magic wand, lift my house and put it down on a classy, security estate, in town, built on a sprawling nature reserve.  It would be pure heaven – safe, scenic, indigenous gardens, wildlife and like-minded, caring neighbours.  I could take my Suzuki out for a walk as often as I liked.  I could go and see people – on my own.  My son could ride his bike and get to his friends without inconveniencing anybody else.  What a life!  Dream on… Tracy.  Hmmm I seem to make a habit of wishing for things I cannot have.  Why do I always want more?  I have to learn to be more grateful.

Instead, I sit here behind my high walls, electric gates, burglar bars and iron security gates – feeling so confined – and alone – wondering if some of my neighbours even know that I exist.

Anyway.  At least, I have a house.

Like most homes, my house also needs work.  A lot.  Bathrooms need tiling.  Walls need painting and some plastering – where my son has practiced his cricket shots in the mirror and accidently smashed his bat into the wall.  If I didn’t witness these incidents with my own eyes I would have some concerns about the sanity of the inhabitants of this dwelling.  There are some seriously big chunks of concrete missing.  No lies.  Don’t ask about the cricket bat.   Paving needs to be realigned as some of my little plants have now grown into massive trees with roots-that-seem-to-have-minds-of-their-own and lifted my driveway into a 4×4 track for my wheelchair.  I reckon those roots could give my 13-year-old some good competition when it comes to being strong-willed.  Things need fixing and of course, the rooms need redecorating.  What can I say?  I’m a woman.  I love beautiful things.  And life gets really boring looking at the same things all day you know.

I guess that I spend way too much time sitting at home noticing all these things that need fixing and changing.  Home improvements and maintenance seem to be a never-ending job and an endless cash-consuming-blackhole . 

I think I need a permanent handyman.  Hmmm… and it wouldn’t do any harm if he were tall, strong and drop-dead-gorgeous, with sexy legs.  He should make my knees weak so that I never ever want to stand again.  There would be more than enough for him to do.  I mean, I do need my rusty plumbing and shoddy electrical works upgraded from time to time too you know.  I could get him to  swing me from fix the chandeliers.  Oh yes, sorry, I forgot, I don’t have any chandeliers.  That’s another reason I need to move to an estate.  I need chandeliers!  And, you know, eye-candy is really important when there is a lot of stroking, lifting, twisting, banging and screwing going on around the place.  Isn’t it?  Oh my God!  My ears!

Lately I have been suffering from a severe bout of cabin fever.  Oh okay, I’ll admit the truth.  I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.  Very.

By nature I am extremely social.  I love interacting with other humans.  I have a real need to reconnect with the world out there and those other able-bodied creatures called people – even though they behave really strangely towards me sometimes and tend to treat me like an alien.  I’m not a recluse and I don’t like living like a hermit.

I’ve been feeling so confined – not only by my paralysis but by my circumstances.  I feel so frustrated.  If the walls of my house could talk…

I long to get into the car all by myself and go for a drive – to look at God’s beautiful creation in awe; to see man’s artificial fuck-ups and roll-my-eyes-in-disgust; to visit a friend and share a laugh over a glass of wine or merely go to the shop to buy bread and milk – and, of course, to get the biggest slab of chocolate I could possibly lay my hands on and devour it in peace.

I long for my life to be simple – and easy – less complicated – less of a mission for me, my family and my friends.  I will always strive to be more independent – to be less of a burden.  I long for…

 I think I need that handyman.  Now.

Do you ever get cabin fever?  How do you deal with it?

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