I haven’t written in a long while, I know. I’m sorry.
Almost every day, someone new subscribes to my blog. Usually that brings me great joy – a sense of achievement. Amazing.
Somebody actually wants to read what I have to say. My chest bursting with pride, I would be patting myself on the back. If only, I could.
It’s another opportunity to share my world, to teach, to create an awareness, to touch a heart and change a mindset (hopefully). Yay!
Lately, though, when I get that notification in my inbox, I feel guilt because I know what that means.
It means that I have a new reader to my blog, filled with expectation of I-don’t-know-what but, obviously they have enjoyed what they have read so far and like what they see. I know that they will be waiting, trusting that they will be receiving regular blog posts, conveniently straight into their inbox. I am momentarily overcome by shame, completely aware that I have not posted anything in a while. I hate broken promises.
It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about, I have. Hey, I may spend my time sitting on my butt all day long but, it’s not boring.
Often, I wish it was. Hey, be careful what you wish for, Tracy.
My life is never without drama, unique challenges and erratic ups and downs. Any quadriplegic would be able to testify to that.
But, I do believe that human struggles are all the same, no matter where or how one lives and that is exactly what binds us to one another as a species, whether we choose to believe it or not. Although, I have to add, that there are monsters among us who have no conscience whatsoever, with a cruel ability to abuse children and animals. I have no words for those evil beasts.
Generally, to be human is to be a mass of contradiction. It is to seek peace but to relish argument. To be forever wanting to explode in fury whilst struggling to remain calm and contained. It is to be sweetly open-minded yet bitterly prejudiced, compassionate yet selfish, arrogant yet insecure. It is to smile while feeling depressed, be brave while feeling afraid, and to act restrained whilst passion surges secretly through you. No, not my words but, this is true for everybody, no matter who, or what, you are.
So, I’ve learned that there are common threads and that is why all types of people are able to relate to my stories. I definitely think that everything is worth exposing. You know me, especially if you have been following my blog, I do kiss-and-tell.
It’s just that I have lost my focus – a little. The truth is I’ve been having a tough time the past few months, physically and emotionally. I’ve been caught up in my own inner struggles. Okay, I’ll admit, I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself.
I market myself as an inspirational speaker. I feel like a fraud.
People have put me up on a pedestal, seeing me as a motivator, a source of encouragement, an inspiration. I feel so undeserving.
Over the past month my community newspaper has referred to me as one of its bravest, an inspiration and local heroine – all stories dying to be told. How does one possibly live up to these kinds of accolades?
Initially, I started my blog because I wanted a place to express my anger, joy, frustration, love, tears and pain. I wanted somewhere for my emotions to run wild, to be free. I wanted a place to tell someone, anyone, who was willing to listen, how tough my life is – what a cruel existence it is to be living, paralysed, from the neck down.
Comments flooded in, appreciating my frankness and brutal truths. I was flabbergasted. Still am.
With a renewed sense of intent, I wanted to tell all about my life, with open abandon and raw honesty. I don’t want to hide the good, the bad and the ugly.
It was all going so well. I found my voice, a logical purpose and a place to regain my passion of teaching – albeit to a very different audience in a classroom too big to imagine.
I get many e-mails and private messages on Facebook and Twitter, from people around the world who have discovered my blog (even today) and are reading it (scary), loving it (yay) and wondering why I haven’t posted anything since July. July! What? Has it really been that long? Oh my God.
With an angry-at-myself-reproach, I attempt to start writing a new blog entry. As a result, I now have a folder full of incomplete stories, life experiences and insights that are begging to be shared.
My positive energy has been waning. I use that word deliberately because I do believe that, like the moon, I’ll rise again. Just. Because. I. Can.
Thank you for your messages of love, care and support. You will never know the positive impact they have on my life and how your words encourage me to dig deep, lift my head and look outward again. I appreciate each and every letter.
Hang on, I’ll be back.