Advantages of Being a Quadriplegic

It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong in your life and most people would think that it’s inconceivable to find anything positive about being a quadriplegic. But when I started writing a list of advantages of being paralysed from the neck down, I was surprised by how much I could come up with. Please feel free to add to this list in the comments section.

• Time is a gift to us all. Most people prefer to use it up doing menial tasks. I’ll sit with you for hours without getting up to do the dishes, not even once. Just bring along some stimulating conversation and don’t forget the wine.
• My manicures last, because I don’t have to do the dishes. Ever.
• The best thing about ordering prawns in a restaurant is that I don’t have to peel them, and if we eat them at home, I’m not the one responsible for cleaning them.
• I can be a stay-at-home mom and housewife without guilt because nobody will employ me.
• Waxing or epilating body hair is not for sissies. Clearly, I’m not one. I don’t feel a thing.
• I get away with being bossy by giving it a fancy name: verbal independence. Without me telling you what to do, how will you know what I want, when I want it or how I want it?
• Living life at butt-height can get very interesting, depending on whose butt I’m following. If my jaw is unhinged and my face is flushed, you’ll know that the butt cheeks are hot, hot, hot. Crotches can be scary though, especially if the zipper has been left open or they are wearing cookie cutters.
• When I’m having a bad day, I have a good excuse to feel sorry for myself because that is what people expect from people living with a disability.
• A drop dead gorgeous man will make my knees weak, but since I’m already seated, it won’t be obvious that I’m making a fool of myself.
• It’s easy to fake calmness in any situation because my body will not react any other way.
• Being short means that I don’t have far to fall. I like doing all my own stunts.
• Not being able to do my own hair and make-up gives me a good enough reason to have it done professionally often.
• I’ll be the last to leave any cocktail party when everybody’s legs are aching from standing all evening.
• No matter where I go, I’m always waited on like a princess.
• I never have to remember to load a chair in the back of my van.
• I can’t get drunk on my own, so I always need someone to share the bubbles and laughter.
• My butt looks big because I have a wheelchair stuck to it. What’s your excuse?
• I can’t feel the pain and discomfort of ingrown toenails and shingles that often occur in my body.
• As long as the mosquitoes follow my directions and bite me below my shoulders, I don’t feel the itch.
• When I was little I wanted to be a model. Now I’ll always be a ‘roll’ model.
• I can shop for hours without complaining about aching legs.
• I can wear stiletto heels without complaining about aching feet.
• There is always a reserved parking spot for me, although I wish they wouldn’t put it at the front of a building because lazy idiots tend to steal it.
• I don’t have to stand up during those long hymns and prayers in church.
• Disability shows up your strengths and weaknesses very quickly, so I know myself well.
• I can run at 15 km/h without ever getting tired.
• I can’t squeeze pimples, which means they heal a lot faster and they don’t leave ugly scars. Yes, I still get them. What’s up with that at forty-five?
• Paralysis has taught me many life lessons – patience, acceptance, courage, compassion… And the list goes on. I’ve also learnt to accept the things I cannot change and focus on the things I can.
• I can bump into somebody and they are always the one to feel bad and apologise.
• My shoes never wear out. In my case, they should come with a lifetime guarantee.
• I have a medical excuse for a fat tummy. It’s called quad gut. Being paralysed means I don’t have to worry about pulling in my tummy. What’s your excuse?
• Injections don’t hurt. But, to be honest, they still terrify me.
• I often get pushed to the front of the queue.
• I can never be forced to give a standing ovation at a performance that sucked.
• I never have to deal with a cold toilet seat.
• People think I’m deaf, so I get to hear a lot more than I should.
• I can be carried to bed every night. Thank God for my Sexy Legs.
• I always stick out in a crowd. There’s no need to wave to get anybody’s attention.
• I can wangle neck massages from anyone by just tipping my head and saying, “Ouch!”
• I’m a cheap date because I get to drink everything through a straw. No more than two drinks and I’ll be plastered. Guaranteed.
• I get to have dogs without the responsibility of picking up their turds. But if I don’t get somebody to do it, it backfires on me by getting stuck in my wheels.
• My date has to feed me, which is awesome foreplay.
• My ears are like little pleasure buttons in an erotic zone. Fortunately my ENT is attractive. It makes going to the doctor so much more worthwhile.
• I can pee lying down. If I use an indwelling catheter at night time, I don’t ever have to worry about having wet dreams. That means I can play with fire too.
• I can write without lifting a finger.
• People love to take my photograph. It must be my smile.
• I never have to pack and unpack my luggage when going away.
• I don’t have to do the ironing. I hate ironing. And cooking.

 

It’s no wonder some people fake being paralysed because my life is not so bad after all.

I’m looking forward to your contributions.